Why are you attracted to emotionally unavailable people
The reflect how you feel and think about yourself and relationships.
You learned that love has to be earned, so someone withholding it fires up a familiar challenge.
They replicate the experience of having an emotionally absent caregiver.
The pursuit of their validation allows you to avoid confronting your own internal discomfort.
They mirror how disconnected you are from yourself and your own emotions.
You are afraid of true, deep intimacy and the chasing and figuring them out allows you to avoid it.
The push-pull is addictive and more exciting than having secure, healthy love.
To some degree, you too are emotionally unavailable.
Realising that your emotional unavailability is why you keep falling for emotionally (or otherwise) unavailable partners can be a tough pill to swallow. Especially when a meaningful relationship is something you long for.
But simply wanting love doesn't necessarily mean you are emotionally available and open to it.
Feeling intense emotions and being reactive doesn't translate into emotional availability either. Quite the opposite.
True emotional availability comes from being so connected to yourself that you can be authentic and honest about who you are, your feelings, your story, and your needs. It involves being vulnerable in the moment, expressing a full range of emotions, and being comfortable with being seen and deep emotional intimacy. It allows you to connect deeply with another human.
Ultimately, you can only connect emotionally with others to the extent you can connect emotionally to yourself.
Authenticity and honesty are key components of emotional availability but fears of abandonment, rejection, or being seen get in the way, making vulnerability feel extra risky.
It's easier to pretend or suppress your emotions, rather than expose your heart to the threat of rejection or abandonment in case your partner disapproves of your imperfections.
But, if you hide parts of yourself that you deem unlovable, you cannot have a relationship where you are your authentic self. You're just risking going through life only ever experiencing superficial relationships.
Until you address this, you'll keep getting the same results driven by an unconscious attraction and repetitive compulsion. So if you find yourself repeatedly bumping into emotionally unavailable partners, explore this with a therapist or coach.
You need another person to develop emotional availability because, beyond awareness, you'll need to take small steps and uncomfortable actions to break the cycle.
You deserve authentic, deeply connected love.