Find out if they're the right person for you by noticing these
Everybody has their own version of what the right person or relationship means to them and we all want to find that perfect connection with someone, but the reality is that not every person or relationship is right for you. In fact, there are often telltale signs that a person or relationship isn't a good fit.
Here are a phrases you may find yourself saying if the person isn’t in fact a good match:
"When it's good, it's so good."
This statement while positive on the surface, is an indication that the good moments are few and far between. When we experience rare, intermittent and unpredictable moments of pleasure, our bodies produce more excitement and bonding chemicals in response. This can make you feel like the relationship is better than it actually is. Just like bland toast tastes incredible after a fast, when you're starved for emotional connection, the bare minimum feels like heaven.
"It's not all bad."
Having a realistic view of any relationship is good practice, but this statement sets the bar incredibly low. If you find yourself saying this, you're settling for less than you deserve. While relationships do require effort and work, you shouldn't have to grind your teeth to endure or survive yours. Consider how often you're truly happy with this person and whether the relationship is fulfilling and meeting your needs. Your relationship doesn’t have to perfect but it should feel closer to thriving than surviving.
"I don't want to lose them as a friend."
True friendships are built on mutual respect and care, not on the hope that the other person will change their mind and choose you. If this is your situation, consider whether you're willing to settle for less than what you truly want and deserve. It's important to be honest with yourself about the nature of your feelings. Would you be happy to hear how great their new partner is in bed? If not, then this is either your parent or someone you are romantically interested in. You can't really have a genuine friendship when you're secretly hoping for something more. This will only lead to unrealistic expectations and hurt feelings.
"They always apologize though."
While it's important for someone to apologize when they've wronged you, true apologies involve changed behaviour. If someone is repeatedly crossing your boundaries and letting you down, it doesn't matter how often they say they're sorry. An apology without action is meaningless, it might be time to consider whether the relationship is healthy and meeting your needs.
"Nobody knows them like I do."
This statement might feel romantic, but keep in mind that everyone else can see them objectively without the fantasy lens you're looking at them through. It's possible that you're seeing them in a way that you wish someone would see you, overlooking your perceived flaws. The longer you hang on to someone who can't see you, the more you reaffirm this limiting belief.
"They're only doing this because..."
It's not your responsibility rationalise why someone is treating you badly. You can have compassion and still recognise unacceptable behaviour. At the very least, you deserve respect and kindness, not to suffer because you are capable of deep empathy.
"You don't understand our connection."
Can you be yourself around them or are you performing? Is there mutual effort and care? Do you feel physically relaxed and emotionally safe with them? If the answer to any of these is no, you're confusing connection with anxiety and an unhealthy attachment.
It’s good to sometimes take a step back and evaluate your relationships more objectively and let go of the one that isn’t right for you.
And if you’re one of the lucky ones and can’t see any red flags,
look out for these when determining if a person or relationship is right for you:
Do you share values, goals and a relationship vision at this time of your lives?
Is their mutuality of effort and investment? Do you both feel good interacting? Do you like each other?
How are you communicating? Are you both willing to listen and share your thoughts and feelings? Are you both comfortable with your response times and communication styles?
Are you comfortable enough with them to express yourself? While some nerves in the early stages of dating are normal, you should feel increasingly at ease as you get to know each other better.
How relaxed is your body in their presence? Can you notice any signs of stress, tension, or nervous system activation when you're together?
Do you trust they are open to receiving feedback and working on the relationship?
How do they act towards you when they're experiencing heightened emotions?
Is there mutual support, guidance, and comfort when things get tough?
Do you encourage each other to pursue your dreams and goals?
Can you appreciate each other's differences, perspectives, and find common ground, even when you don't agree on everything.
Do you both feel safe and connected during difficult conversations and create solutions as a team?