We repeat what we don't repair
What relationship patterns are you repeating?
Only pursuing unavailable love interests to keep yourself safely single?
Finding ways to create distance when someone gets too close?
Avoiding rejection by rejecting chances for healthy love yourself?
Choosing the same person in different bodies?
Always picking someone for a fixer-upper project?
Romanticising trauma bonds as passion?
Of course, I know you don't want to be repeating these, but humans have a built-in compulsion to repeat what's familiar even if it's dysfunctional.
We repeat the beliefs, skills and behaviours we learned as children. Trauma affects our sense of self, self-worth, ability to be vulnerable, our attachment patterns and our boundaries, whether it's obvious or not.
We unknowingly repeat dysfunctional patterns from our past in an attempt to redo the traumatising experiences and get things right this time. A part of us believes that this time will be different, that we will be able to change the outcome and win someone's love, or that we will be able to fix what we couldn't do before.
You'll keep repeating these cycles until the underlying pain and trauma have been healed. Until you begin to believe you are deserving of the love you desire. Until you begin to feel safe in healthy relationships and confident in your vulnerability.
It's easier to keep doing what you've always been doing and blame everything else - the toxic ex, the dating apps, the bad luck, than stepping into the new and uncomfortable.
The familiar maladaptive patterns are the product of neurons in your brain firing together frequently enough to form strong pathways; it will take time to form new ones, but the new ideas and behaviours can become your new normal.
Become aware of your patterns through honest introspection. Journal, meditate or talk them out with someone.
Take responsibility and choose new behaviours that are aligned with your future.
Heal the underlying wounds and unresolved trauma with professional support or through inner child or parts work.
Put the new thoughts, skills and behaviours into practice.
Choose to respond differently, and with enough repetition, this will become your preferred and natural way.
The change you want happens from the inside out🧡