Can you develop a secure attachment style if you've always been insecure?
A million times, yes!
Attachment styles are not set in stone, so whatever your patterns are right now, you have the power to change them and transform your relationships.
To change anything about yourself, you first need to know yourself. And by that, I mean truly understanding oneself with all of your colours, lights and shadows. No growth or change can happen from suppression or denial, that's just our ego parts trying to protect us from owning what we dislike and avoid the change it fears.
Then there's the self-judgment of the aspects of ourselves that we don't like. In many respects, it's easier to repress them and pretend the problem isn't with ourselves, but with something outside of us. It's important to remember that even the most insecure attachment behaviours evolved as survival mechanisms and as such, they did a good job.
The more you get to know yourself and your adaptations, the more compassion you can offer yourself for them the faster you will be able to blossom into more secure patterns.
Our attachment system is always on; it might be under or over-activated, but it doesn't go offline. This gives us plenty of opportunities to witness our unconscious patterns and empower ourselves to change them. At the same time, you can't wish or talk your way out of your adaptations; the only way they'll change is with your active participation in the process.
We can relearn all of the old techniques and replace them with new ones that are more in line with the life and relationships we wish to have today. Below are some ways you can start engaging with the process of developing a secure attachment style, just remember it takes time, practice and consistency.
You don't have to wait for relationship troubles to recognise your attachment patterns. Self-reflection, meditation, journaling, and getting feedback from trusted loved ones are all great ways to explore them.
Lean into attachment discomfort when you feel it coming up. Explore the idea that your experience is less about the other person and more about your attachment history and notice the sensations and emotions in your body. Refrain from reacting emotionally and instead use this distance to respond from a different perspective.
Practice vulnerable and assertive communication, so you can coney your boundaries and express your needs and feelings healthily.
Learn new self-soothing and regulating skills so you don't revert to old patterns when you're activated.
An insecure attachment style doesn't make you in any way flawed. It just means that you are still using the strategies you learned early to keep you safe and connected.
You are not faulty because you have an unstable attachment style. It simply indicates you're still employing the safety and connection strategies you learned throughout your life.
We can unlearn all the outdated strategies and develop and replace them with new ones that are more in line with the life and relationships we wish to have today. It takes time and engagement in the process as we accept the new experiences and behaviours.
The way I look at it, secure attachment is our hardware; we are wired for healthy attachment and connection. This work is not about getting a personality makeover but about returning to your true self so you can thrive in healthy, loving relationships.