Relationships take work but what work?

Almost all the way up to my thirties. I wasn't a great partner myself and was frequently heartbroken by toxic relationships.

I was into trauma bonds, limerance, and working my tail off in search of the most unavailable love I could chase. I called it: passion and chemistry.

Today I am happily married to my best friend and greatest love. Our relationship is secure, loving fun and definitely doesn’t lack in passion. I got here in the end, just like you can.

We frequently hear that relationships work, but we are rarely told what that work entails.

The work isn't in rationalising that you're unhappy or that either of you is hurting because "it takes work".

Recognizing where you are, and remaining committed to the growth needed to create and maintain a deep connection is the work.

The work is in realising that relational communication is about so much more than just words. It's all about feelings, attunement, and responsiveness.

It's in recognising that relational communication is far more than words - it's feelings, attunement and responsiveness.

It's a regulated nervous system.

It's about improving your relationship with yourself, so you don't expect a partner to make you happy and be disappointed when they fail.

It's conquering your fears of vulnerability because if you're not vulnerable, you're not available, and you can't be relational if you're not available.

It's nourishing your connection with yourself because you can't offer to someone else what you don't give to yourself. And you can only be as committed to them as you are to yourself.

Relationships challenges come from repeating the same patterns we've always repeated. They're not because of anything outside of us, so changing partners isn't going to make a difference.

Luckily...

It's never too late to change and radically overhaul your love life. We are relational beings, evolutionary hardwired to connect.

Our brains are constantly adjusting and changing, so even if you're starting from scratch like me, you can rewire old behaviours and learn the skills you lack.

Repeating the familiar patterns we've always been repeating is what's making relationships challenging, not anything out there. Changing a partner is not going to change that.

In relationships, the biggest mountain to climb is your own.

Even if we've fully missed out on relationship tools, we can choose to learn and master them.