Are you REALLY doing no-contact?
When you stop doing what makes you sick, you start feeling better.
And when you reintroduce a bad habit, you quickly realise that it still makes you feel rubbish.
No-contact allows you to start healing, get perspective and get off a toxic cycle that keeps you stuck.
Some things are impossible to see when you're in the thick of it. No contact done correctly helps you calm your nervous system's response, gives you an observer's view of the relationship and the ex, and helps you grow.
It's more than just not talking or texting; it's about the space and energy you give yourself for healing. It also means:
no social media stalking
no passive-aggressive posts, stories or statuses that everyone knows are meant for the ex
no friend of a friend intel
no “accidental” bumping into them on the route you well know they use
no, pretend pocket calling
And listen, if your relationship was good and healthy in the first place, you might see where things went wrong during the no-contact phase and make the necessary changes and decisions to get back together as a stronger couple. I've seen it happen before, and I'm not dismissing it. This is the path of some couples.
More often though, no contact allows you to see the relationship for the unhealthy, trauma bond it was. Space and time are critical for making this discernment.
Going No-Contact with someone you're used to communicating with daily is difficult, but it's considerably more difficult in dysfunctional relationships. You can actually use the measure of how challenging this is as a clue about the relationship itself. The more like an addiction it feels, the more of. trauma bond it was.
Your system's sole function is to keep you alive, which it accomplishes by steering you to repeat what's familiar. If chaos is what you're used to, you'll feel compelled to repeat, create and preserve it in some form. The intensity of emotional addictions will keep you checking his social media to get a hit of your body's own biochemical concoction of feelings and hormones. Even if that means checking to see if he's online and then making up stories about why he is.
Although no contact may give you withdrawals from the highs and lows you're used to, they provide an opportunity to learn self-soothing and find experiences that can replace them. Checking his social media is a way you are avoiding the discomfort of feeling your feelings and looking inwards, but without fail, it always makes you feel even worse.
If you have the luxury of no contact (which many people do not due to children or other obligations), go no-contact. Give yourself the chance to connect with yourself in the present, so you can heal and make self-honouring choices going forwards.