How to communicate with an anxiously attached partner

Anxious attachers are emotional detectives. They read between the lines, fill any gaps in information with worst-case scenarios, and personalise what you say (or don't say).

  • Inconsistency in communication or behaviour is triggering for them and could activate their protest strategies.

  • Providing them with consistency and clarity reduces their "mate guarding" insecurities and the need to ask for extra reassurance.

Remember that their seemingly loud needs come from a tender place. Behind their triggers is a fear of being abandoned and a belief that they're unworthy of love.

Regularly letting your anxiously attached partner know how important they are to you, and offering them more transparency helps them grow secure and overcome their fears of abandonment.

If your anxiously attached partner could articulate what they need, this is what they would say:

Reassurance and validation (even without me asking) means a lot.

When you truly listen to me and validate my emotions, it makes me feel heard and understood. I tend to question my lovability and overthink relationships, so hearing you express your affection and love quiets my anxious thoughts. Nonverbal gestures, like hugs or holding hands, also bring me a sense of security.

Say things like:

  • I'm so grateful to have you in my life.

  • Let me know if there's something you'd like me to do, or if you'd rather talk it out.

  • You mean the world to me.

  • I can see that something's bothering you. Are you up for a chat?

  • I'm here to support you in every way I can.

  • Your happiness is important to me.

  • How can I be the most helpful right now?

  • I see you and all that you are, and I love every part of you

  • Your emotions are valid and I'm here to listen.

  • I want to better understand how you feel.

  • I can tell that this has been weighing on your mind. Remember, I'm here for you.

Share your thoughts, feelings, and intentions openly.

Be as transparent as you can about your plans, decisions, and emotions. Vague messages and uncertainty trigger my mind to conjure worst-case scenarios, in many of which you abandon me. When you communicate clearly, with details, and reassurance, it helps me stop my mind from spiralling and prevents misunderstandings.

Say things like:

  • I'm meeting my friends this evening. I'll be home around 9 PM.

  • I've been feeling overwhelmed with work, and it's affecting my mood.

  • I'm going to the gym after work. I'll check in with you later.

  • I've been feeling distant. It's not about you, but I want us to work through this together.

  • I'm planning to have some personal time tonight, I'll check in with you before bed.

  • Our recent fight left me feeling a bit hurt. Can we talk about it?

  • I'll be busy with appointments for most of the day . I'll send you a text when I'm free.

  • I've been feeling insecure lately. It's not about us, but some personal doubts I have.

Let's talk about balancing meeting my needs and honouring your boundaries

This could involve discussing personal space and communication preferences. If you prefer more alone time or less communication, defining clear boundaries creates predictability, reducing the anxiety I feel comes with uncertainty. If you need to reaffirm these boundaries, please use reassuring language.

Say things like:

  • I value our time together, and some "me time" helps me recharge. Can we agree on having some each week?

  • I know you worry but I'd like us to trust each other more. Can we agree not to check each other's messages or social media?

  • My hobbies bring me joy. Can we set aside some days for our personal interests?

  • I love our chats, but texting throughout my workday impacts my focus. Could we agree to catch up in the evenings?

  • Our connection means a lot to me. Let's find a way that helps us feel secure without relying solely on frequent reassurance.

  • I want to talk but could we give each other some space for reflection before we start?

Let me share my anxieties with you but challenge some of my narrative

Sometimes just talking to you about my worries gives me insights into my imperfect thinking. When you gently challenge the stories my mind creates and remind me that you are there for me, I can also notice the inaccuracies of my thoughts. Keep in mind this is a protective pattern that has always kept me safe so be gentle.

Say things like:

I understand you're worried. Remember that we've faced challenges before, and always found solutions.

  • I can see why this is making you anxious, but we've been through ups and downs, and I've never left your side.

  • I sense the worst-case scenario. If we step back, can you see my commitment to us?

  • I can see you are worried. Can we pause and notice how important you are to me?

  • I can see your distress. Let's counter it with reality: your presence in my life brings me joy, and I'm here because I love you.

  • I understand the insecurity, but let's challenge it with our history. I've stayed by your side, and I'm staying.

Be consistent in your actions, responses, and availability.

Predictability in our communication and interactions is comforting. Follow through on commitments, even the simple ones: When you say you will call me later, do. If we make plans together, try not to make sudden changes. Consistency helps me develop trust and feel secure.

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