Five unpopular things I did to go from a love life in shambles to a marriage beyond my wildest dreams. So you can do it too!

1) I shed my empowered single-girl persona.

As humans, we are designed for connection and thrive in good relationships. There's absolutely nothing wrong with desiring a meaningful relationship, yet, I was so ashamed to admit to wanting one, let alone actively looking for it. I came to realize that being honest (with myself first) about wanting someone to share my life with didn't make me any less empowered or capable of living on my own terms. It didn't mean I was unhappy or ungrateful for the life I had built as a single woman. And while being single didn't take anything away from what I achieved, a relationship added to it. It wasn't easy to transition from the strong-woman-who-don't-need-no-man identity I created to protect me from more heartbreaks. Letting go of my protective cocoon of the empowered single-girl persona was scary, but welcoming a partnership required a shift.

2) I let go of my controlling, type-A, masculine side, so I could soften into my feminine energy.

I discovered I had been unintentionally living and acting from my masculine energy for most of my life. While this was helpful at work, it was killing any polarity and repelling the type of men I found attractive - who exuded strong masculine energy. Changing this was tough! It meant processing a lot of lingering anger, so it wouldn't leak from my pores. It meant leaning back, letting the man lead, and relinquishing control to let my partner make his mistakes. Did he make mistakes that I could have prevented? Yes. But he also rectified things in ways I wouldn’t be able to. Trusting his masculine lead allowed me to relax deeper into my feminine essence. He excels at being masculine, I flourish in my feminine, and we are both happier for it!

3) I learned to receive love, support and affection.

If I was honest, the only way I would receive love, support and affection was if it arrived exactly the way I envisioned and orchestrated it. But love doesn't come when we try to control every aspect of it. It's also not how the masculine provides for the feminine. Letting go of my expectations and allowing everything to unfold as it came was my growth edge. Shifting this created a noticeable change in me. Friends stopped saying, "I don't know who could handle you", and instead started commenting on my "wifey energy". And much as I love the gal’s gal part of me that empowers women, I absolutely thrive at being a wife - it's where I feel my most authentic self.

4) I owned 100 % of my role in the failures of my past relationships. This includes not walking away when I knew I should.

I came to accept my role in the failures of my past relationships. Let me be clear, I don't condone bad behaviour, but I had to acknowledge my shortcomings too. While I didn't approve of my ex's affair, I understand that no one cheats because they are truly happy and fulfilled in their relationship. And while I am now a great wife, I can honestly admit that back then, I wasn't. The affair wasn't my fault, but half of what led it to it was. I don't pretend otherwise or shift blame onto others (anymore ;)). I certainly don't think I deserved the abuse I got in the relationship that followed, but I know why I chose him, I own why I turned a blind eye to it, and why I stayed longer than I should have.

5) I recreated my beliefs.

There was a dissonance between what I wanted and what I believed. The fairytale dreams of my naïve younger self clashed with the cynical views that my relational experiences had created. The adult side of me believed all men were dickholes. A marriage ending with his affair, followed by an abusive relationship with an actual narcissist, plus three years on dating apps will do that to you. I had to learn to trust again and remind myself that not all men are the same, just as not all women are. After all, I was out there, looking for a genuine connection, then surely there must be someone like me out there too, right? I only needed to find one.