How to communicate with an avoidantly attached partner

Avoidants can find relational demands overwhelming and not experience relationships as nurturing until they feel secure in one.

While I know, you might be hoping for the magic phrases to make an avoidant see what you see, communication is a two-way street. In case of avoidants, listening is more important than the words you say.

Active listening - Without judgment, personalising what you hear, or defensively planning your response to prove a point.

Listening to understand - Allow your partner to express themselves fully. Give them time to do so, and...

Validate what they share - Even if you don't agree. Let them know that given the context, their feelings and needs make sense.

Self-soothe - Before approaching your partner, if you're feeling reactive, regulate to reduce the risk of unintentionally stinging them with criticism or blame.

Use "|" statements - Describe what you feel and need with self-awareness and vulnerability.

If your dismissive avoidant partner could express what they need, this is how it would sound:

Your appreciation means a lot, particularly when it's unprompted.

Deep down, I don't feel good enough to be the partner you need. I really want to and often try hard. Sometimes, when I think I'm doing my best, it goes unnoticed or misunderstood, which hurts. When you acknowledge and appreciate what I do, it strengthens my belief that I can get things right for you and our relationship. The more valued I feel, the more motivated I am to do more.

Say things like:

• I admire how calm you are when things get stressful. You're like the calm in my storm, when life gets tough.

• You're a rock star, you know that? Thanks for all you do for me!

• Thanks for encouraging me to go after that job. Your support was a game-changer.

• That was super sweet, it made my day! YoU really know how to make me feel special.

• I know that talk we had was hard. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to have it.

• Your passion is contagious! It inspired me to start a new project.

• Thank you for opening up yesterday. It made me feel closer to you. I'd love more chats like that sometimes.

It might not always be easy but try to see the positive intentions of my actions.

When my behaviour seems confusing, please consider that there may be a positive intent behind it. Even when I distance myself, it's not to cause harm, but to protect both of us - me from emotional pain and you from my own shortcomings. When you pause and ask yourself, 'What if there's a good reason for this?', or directly ask me about it, I feel seen and understood through your empathy.

Say things like:

• I know that you're coming from a place of care. Could you share your take on this, so I can see it from your point of view?

• I understand you've got good reasons for not jumping into this convo right away.
  Whenever you're ready, I'm here.

• I trust that you've got our best interests at heart here. Can you fill me in on what they are?

• I appreciate your thoughtfulness and care, even if it means taking your time and space to process things. When you're ready to chat, l'm here.

• I know you've got a good reason for doing it this way, I just can't see it yet. Can you help me understand?

Be clear and direct. I'm not good at reading your mind or ambiguous messages.

I tend to interpret neutral cues as hostile, so subtle hints, snarky remarks, or passive-aggressive communication feel like criticisms. Which feels threatening because it confirms my fears of being flawed and not good at relationships. When you express your feelings and needs clearly, directly, maybe with more detail than usual, it helps me understand them. And having some flexibility in how I respond helps me meet them.

Say things like:

• Hey, I've got a little favour to ask. Would now be a good time?

• I need your help with some errands this week. It'd give me more free weekend time with you. Any days work better for you?

• I get scared when we argue and you go all quiet. Can we figure out a way to talk that works for both of us?

• Sometimes when we're on our phones a lot, I feel disconnected. Can we set aside some daily screen-free time to hang out?

• I love spending time with you. Making plans in advance matters to me because it makes me feel like we're prioritising it.

• I'm enjoying getting to know you. Let me know when you're up for another chat like this.

I fear letting you down, so be gentle with your feedback.

Emotionally heavy communication triggers feelings of inadequacy within me. When I sense that my actions led to your unhappiness, my defences rise. At times, intense emotions seem like attempts to control or coerce me. When you self-regulate first and soften your communication, I feel less threatened or guilt-tripped, which lets me approach our challenges without the need to get defensive or distance myself.

Say things like:

• Things can slip our minds sometimes, no biggie. We can always make up for it. What matters most is that we're together.

• I admire your work ethic. It would just make me feel more at ease if you could give me a heads up when you're working late.

• I've noticed that sometimes we don't talk about how we're feeling much. Do you think we could maybe try changing that?

• It's not your fault, we are a team against this problem.

• I love spending time with you, but I get that you need your me-time. Can we figure out a rhythm that works for us both?

• I'd love to talk about it but I know we all have our own pace for processing this stuff. I'm here to listen when you're ready.

Be patient, validate my needs, and listen to understand me.

My needs might differ from yours, but they matter to me. I take more time to open up and process or express emotions, so be patient with my pace. When I share something and you listen to truly get me, without personalising it or trying to fix me, I feel safe in our relationship. And when you don't judge but validate my needs, even if you can't relate to them, I feel loved and accepted for who lam; and I'm able to show up better for you and us.

Work with, not against their attachment - Being mindful of your communication can create the emotional safety your partner needs to become more secure and receptive to your needs. Forcing a conversation when their attachment is activated will have the opposite effect.

Accept them as they are - Feeling coerced or pressured to change could push them further into avoidance patterns. Allow them to grow at their own pace.

Remember that their distancing behaviours come from a tender place, rooted in feelings of inadequacy and a fear of being too flawed to be loved. Attachment strategies show up in response to a perceived lack of emotional safety, so the key is to create a felt sense of safety.