When Words Aren’t Enough: How to Tell If They’re Really Showing Up for You
Why Actions Matter More in Relationships
We’ve all heard it before: “Actions speak louder than words.”
It sounds like a cliché, until you’ve been in a relationship where someone told you everything you wanted to hear, but their behavior told a very different story.
The truth is, words can feel soooo good. Especially when someone describes a beautiful future with you, the kind of relationship they want to build, the person they aspire to be, or the happiness they hope to bring into your life. It’s easy and very human to get swept up in those visions. You start to feel emotionally invested, as if the relationship they described is already unfolding.
But what if it never does?
The Emotional Trap of “Future Talk”
When someone paints a picture of a future with you, even if they genuinely believe it in the moment, you start to feel connected to that imagined future, not necessarily to what’s happening now.
You apply your own hopes and longings to their words. And because the emotions you feel are real, the attachment you form can feel just as real, even if their follow-through never comes.
When those beautiful promises go unfulfilled, confusion and heartbreak often follow.
You might find yourself thinking:
“But they seemed so genuine…”
“They said I mattered. They said they wanted something serious.”
“Why didn’t they do what they said they would?”
And if you’re someone who gives the benefit of the doubt, you might bring it up gently. Or maybe a heated argument pushes it to the surface. Either way, you’re met with more of what you want to hear. They explain, reassure, and say all the right things. Hope is rekindled.
But if actions don’t follow? The cycle quietly starts again.
This Is How We Get Stuck in Imaginationships
When someone’s words don’t line up with their actions, they only mean as much as you imagine they do. The person only seems amazing through the lens of your perception. The relationship you then have with them is more of a fantasy than reality. An imaginationship.
You’re not crazy for falling for potential. That potential was offered to you in words and promises. But if those words don’t materialize into behaviour, the relationship stays stuck in the realm of imagination.
Ask yourself:
Did they follow through, or did I just hope they would?
Were they actually showing up for me, or did I project who I wanted them to be?
Do I feel close to them, or to the idea of them?
It’s not about being cynical. It’s about protecting your heart by anchoring your attachment in reality.
If You Want a Real Relationship, Stay in the Real World
Look at the evidence. What are they actually doing, not just saying?
Pay attention to:
Their ability to keep promises
How they respond to your feedback and needs
Whether they make space for you in their life
Whether their actions align with their words, even in small ways
Because no matter how beautifully they describe their intentions, a relationship is only as real as the effort they put in.
Signs Their Words May Not Match Their Actions
Here are a few common areas where words and actions can drift apart and what alignment actually looks like.
Affection
Mismatch:
They say you matter to them and never miss a good morning text but they rarely make time to see you, and physical affection feels absent.
Alignment:
They express love not just in words, but in how they show up. They spend time with you, make affectionate gestures, plan thoughtful dates, and demonstrate care.
Consistency
Mismatch:
They start strong, constant contact, frequent plans, then suddenly disappear for days without explanation.
Alignment:
They maintain a steady rhythm of connection. It’s not about constant availability, but about reliable follow-through and honest communication when things get busy.
Accountability
Mismatch:
They say they take responsibility but avoid apologizing, shift blame, make excuses when things go wrong, and don’t follow through on any changes promised.
Alignment:
They own their mistakes, apologize sincerely, and take steps to change. You see growth over time, not just words in the moment.
Communication
Mismatch:
They talk about how much they value communication but withhold information, make passive-aggressive comments, or avoid conflict.
Alignment:
They speak honestly and openly. They make space for your thoughts and emotions, and engage with curiosity rather than defensiveness.
Support for Your Goals
Mismatch:
They claim to support your dreams, but dismiss your accomplishments, show disinterest, or fail to follow through on offers of help.
Alignment:
They cheer you on, celebrate your successes, and offer encouragement, emotionally and practically, because they care about what matters to you.
Trustworthiness
Mismatch:
They say you can trust them but violate your privacy, flirt with others, or break their commitments.
Alignment:
They earn your trust through consistency, honesty, and respect for your boundaries. You feel emotionally safe with them, not on edge.
Let Reality Be the Foundation of Your Attachment
It’s okay to want a loving, committed relationship. It’s okay to hope for the best in someone.
But real intimacy can’t be built on promises alone. Let their actions show you who they are, not just their words.
And if their words are clouding how they’re actually showing up?
Pause. Zoom out. And return to what’s real. Because that’s where your power and your clarity lives.
Want to explore this more deeply?
If you find yourself caught in cycles of false hope or emotional confusion in dating or relationships, I can help you break the pattern.