What to say to soothe your avoidant partner?
Wow honey, you do so much for me. I appreciate you.
I know how you value your space. You can always tell me when you need some time alone.
It’s not your fault. We are a team against this problem. I played a part here too.
There’s something I’d like to share with you. Can you tell me when you’ll have a free hour?
It’s ok if you don’t know how to talk about it. I’m here for you if you’d like to try.
Hey, that thing you did was very kind and thoughtful. I feel so loved!
This is what I’d like to do. How about you? I want us both to have a good time and I’m flexible.
Tell me when my feelings get so overwhelming that you feel you need to withdraw.
The passion you have for your hobby inspired me to sign up for art classes.
I want you to always remember how much you matter to me.
An emotionally safe and supportive environment helps your avoidant partner to trust the connection and brings their underactive attachment system back online.
Under that calm demeanour, your avoidant partner has a lot of alarm bells warning them that getting too close to you comes with risks of being rejected, abandoned, or hurt.
Because they regulate themselves differently to you, you might not realise just how sensitive and vulnerable they are.
To become secure and grow relationally, they have to let go of several numbing and deactivating coping mechanisms. This requires them to trust to do so.
To form a belief that connections are a source of emotional safety and healthy interdependence, they need your support, recognition, and appreciation.
Avoidants need your love, compassion and patience to stop using the attachment deactivating strategies that make them appear prickly or cold. They just have a lot going inside!
Understanding their independence, respecting their need for space and supporting their unique ways of self-regulating will help them relax into the nourishment of your relationship.
The more you can honour their unique ways of feeling loved and safe, the more secure you both will become.