There is no shame in not having relationship skills if you were not modelled them.

Relationships skills are just that - skills. We are not born with them; we learn them, which is why we have such different ranges of them.

If we miss out on healthy attunement and coregulation growing up, we will have lacks in this department.

If we were further modelled unhealthy patterns and behaviours through the adult relationships around us, we may have taken those on as our own. As children, we view the ways of being of our caregivers as absolute. And even when we don't, we still absorb them through our nervous and limbic systems.

Perhaps you are recognising unhealthy patterns in the way you attach or how you approach conflict or communication. Or, like me, you've been chasing avoidant or emotionally unavailable partners all your life and didn't recognise red flags when they were hitting you in the face. Don't despair.

I'm with you. Following poor relational modelling in my family of origin, I've had no choice but to learn relationship skills from scratch. We are hardwired for meaningful connection, and just because you missed out on some software upgrades along the way doesn't mean you can't have them now. We are always growing and changing, and you can develop all the healthy patterns and skills you recognise you're missing.

Healthy relationship skills are there, under the surface, waiting for you to scratch away the old programming. And I have to tell you, they feel so much better and more aligned than any of those rooted in the old insecure patterns.

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but it's not just about finding the right partner or the right time. Sometimes it's us repeating familiar patterns that make relationships challenging. We can own it, and we can change it.

It's never too late or too early to start changing that and pave the way to healthy love and relationships. And they are even better than the romanticised fantasies we once believed in