The Anxious Avoidant Cycle isn't a trap!

As the anxious and avoidant are naturally drawn to each other, the cycle begins with mutual initial connection.

We meet and are drawn to each other with a somewhat magnetic attraction. Something about our connection feels special. Here’s how the rest of the cycle is experienced from both sides:

Anxious:

I'm captivated-there's an air of intrigue and calm collectedness about you. You seem so secure! Maybe a tad serious but I see beyond that. In my heart, I just know it's because nobody has ever loved you the way I can.

You're like an enchanting mystery waiting for me to unravel. I know you're into me too. We have a connection that feels both familiar and exciting. This must be love!

Avoidant:

You're like a burst of warmth, love, spontaneity, and fun. Your contagious energy draws me in and brings out a lightness and joy in me! Your warmth is comforting and I feel a sense of security l hadn't expected. In these early stages, it feels like we share low expectations, and neither of us is overly invested, Things feel exciting but also safe. It makes me wonder, "Maybe this is exactly what l've been missing."

Anxious:

As our relationship progresses, I find myself pouring in all my love, warmth, and affection. I'm convinced that I can break through those walls, that I can be the one to make you realise the beauty of emotional closeness. For a while, it feels like we're in sync, like you're letting me in. A vision of our future takes shape in my mind, and I start expecting things to follow the imagined path l envision for us.

Avoidant

Everything starts off promising, and I start thinking, "Maybe I can do this whole relationship thing." But as we grow closer and things move forward, I begin feeling pressure, a sense of losing control. It's not that I don't appreciate everything you bring, but your needs start feeling daunting, and I'm not sure how or if I can meet them. The intensity begins to weigh on me, and I feel an urge to protect my autonomy. A bit of space would be good.

Anxious

I sense a shift in you, and a wave of fear that you may disappear washes over me. The need for reassurance consumes me as panic sets in. I act out, sparking fights driven by a desperation to reconnect and confirm that I'm not alone. I start criticising and picking at things, trying to regain control and find proof that you care. It's as if l'm conducting emotional experiments, testing our connection: Will you fight for me, or will you confirm my worst fears and leave?

Avoidant

As your expectations grow, I begin to feel overwhelmed. The initial ease seems to be replaced by heightened emotions and intensity. My attempts to navigate them are met with more challenges, and our once-easy connection turns into a complex web of needs and demands. Instinctively, to regain a sense of control and safety, I pull away more. I care about you but the emotional demands have become so overwhelming that distance feels like my only refuge.

Anxious

My attempts to reconnect only push you further away, creating a relentless loop, as l frantically try to bridge the gap between us. The more you withdraw, the stronger my urge to seek reassurance becomes. In the midst of this, there are times of temporary reconciliation, where l feel like we're close again. But as I'm always looking for signs of disconnection, l inevitably find them, restarting the loop, and the distance between us widens again.

Avoidant

As you push harder, I begin to feel that meeting your needs is too big of a challenge for me. I retreat, creating distance to protect myself from the pain of letting you down. Feelings of inadequacy intensify, and I try to avoid them by finding faults in you. I convince myself that we're not compatible, and I'm better off alone. This internal struggle strengthens my instinct to distance, reinforcing my belief that I lack whatever it is that relationships need.

IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS STUCK ON THE ANXIOUS / AVOIDANT LOOP, PLEASE KNOW THAT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS.

Despite differing opinions, I believe that with some effort this cycle can be a fast track to secure attachment.

Self-Awareness:

→ Begin by understanding your attachment style. Recognising and acknowledging your patterns and how they show up is the first step towards positive change and a healthier connection.

Open Communication:

→ Share how your conflicting attachment needs impact your relationship. Talk about your fears, and desires openly, allowing both of you to express yourselves without judgment.

Create Agreements

→ Make your own rule book! Agree on a number of relationship rules and boundaries that honour each other's style where possible. Co-create an environment that values both autonomy and connection.

Practising Self-Soothing:

→ Develop strategies for self-soothing in moments of heightened emotions. Whether through mindfulness practices, deep breathing, or other calming techniques, self-soothing empowers you to navigate challenging situations with composure.

Seek Professional Support:

→ Consider help from a relationship therapist or coach. A neutral third party can offer insights, tools, and techniques to break free from the anxious-avoidant loop.

Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection:

→ Acknowledge and celebrate the small victories along the way. Recognising and appreciating the positive changes in your relationship, no matter how small helps you believe that change is possible.

Remarkably, one partner's commitment to awareness, understanding, and conscious action can set a ripple effect in motion that changes the entire anxious / avoidant dynamic.

If you’d like personalised support with your anxious / avoidant cycle, book a no-obligation consultation to end this pattern and start growing secure.