Could you have a hidden fear of intimacy?

I got engaged last week (see how I casually threw it in there), and you know what won't change? My relationship's dynamic.

Love and security are not about formalities or claiming rights to anyone, and no amount of commitment or next steps can change not feeling secure in a relationship.

While I find the promise made in marriage endlessly romantic and can't wait to marry my best friend, I don't need it to feel secure and have faith in our relationship.

Do you know what can make someone feel very insecure in a relationship? A fear of intimacy. And you know who often has a fear of intimacy albeit unconscious? Anxious attachers.

We fear intimacy because we assume that if someone truly knew us, they'd leave. To prevent that rejection, we avoid being vulnerable at all cost hiding our thoughts and deep feelings. As a result, we run from vulnerable dates, dismiss secure relationships as dull, and reject freely given love and affection. This not only allows us to hide our true selves, but having to "work" or "fight" for love keeps our attachment system on high alert, and we're used to that.

An anxiously attached partner will do everything they can to avoid being abandoned, so a formal commitment is very appealing this way: a seeming guarantee, with no risk of being seen. But it's only an illusion and not where security comes from.

Instead, lean into your fear of vulnerability and intimacy to overcome it and find the security in you.

Begin being vulnerable and available to yourself by observing and processing your experiences without judgement.

Accept all emotions as messengers and refrain from labelling them as positive or negative. Take note of how they feel in your body and what they're telling you about your needs.

Practice being vulnerable and sharing yourself with others, including your thoughts and deeper feelings. How many feelings can you find beneath the surface feelings?

Vulnerability is what creates intimacy, and intimacy is what builds an open and safe connection. Work on overcoming the fear of intimacy instead of chasing the next commitment steps, and they will happen naturally. And if you're not in a relationship, working through this will make it easier to welcome one in🧡