Are you attracted to emotionally unavailable people?

I'm embarrassed by how long this was my kryptonite.

In true anxious attachment signature move, although consciously I craved love, subconsciously I didn't believe it was possible.

Subconscious always wins, so I reaffirmed this belief by choosing the fantasy of the potential of the most unavailable, avoidant guy I could crush on.

Having a crush was more in my comfort zone than being vulnerable and connecting deeply in an authentic partnership. Because intimacy had the potential for rejection, my heroic subconscious protected me from it by avoiding being vulnerable. Instead, I would rant and vent about my boyfriends or crushes to my pals to satisfy my need for connection.

By choosing unavailable people, I could maintain my belief that love is difficult and painful, and I have to work hard for it. What I mistook for love was the rush of being the one who saw potential in someone who either didn't want commitment or wasn't relationship material.

It's easy to confuse the emotions of excitement or even fear with love when we are disconnected from ourselves; especially when we associate love with intensity and chaos, not safety, nurture and attunement.

Not addressing this in myself led me to a series of unhealthy relationships, a divorce, and then an abusive relationship that I romanticised in true Disney princess drama spirit. Unaware, I kept reenacting my beliefs and making choices that led to having my heart broken repeatedly.

It was only when I cleaned up my side of the street that things shifted, and I welcomed a healthy, available and nurturing relationship into my life. And it doesn't lack chemistry either. A lack of chaos doesn't mean a lack of excitement, it's just that your body confuses familiar fears with passion.

If you want different results in your love life, you will have to change something about what you're doing. You will have to take responsibility for the part you play in directing it.

It might get a bit uncomfortable before it gets better, but you can do it.

I believe in you.

Whenever you're ready, I got you.